STRESS

There have been countless studies on the physical, emotional, and mental effects of chronic stress, and specifically on caregivers of people with chronic diseases.  Unrelenting stress causes cortisol levels to rise, which dampens the immune system, causes wounds to heal more slowly, raises blood pressure, and leads to heart disease.  Parts of the brain actually begin to lose brain cells and memory falters.  It's linked to depression, fatigue, irritability, and mood swings, loss of appetite, panic attacks, and distraction. 



So tempting...

So when I find myself canceling plans with friends, taking hours to write one press release and unable to beat a lingering hip injury, it cognitively makes sense.  Managing Dad's care for more than four years and coping with the emotional burdens of his Alzheimer's has always been difficult on me.  The longer this goes on, however, the more affected I feel and the more compromised I realize I am.  I've really struggled in the past two weeks, forcing myself to get out of bed after restless nights riddled with horrifying dreams and night sweats.  Once I'm up, the morning nausea that comes and goes throughout the day sets in and I force down some ginger tea.  Just thinking about the day ahead of me is often overwhelming and sometimes the depression is so deep I just want to retreat.  I'm emotionally exhausted and full of anxiety. 

I've always had an overwhelming mind-body connection, and feel physically what is going on emotionally.  Rigidity and pain in my shoulders is second nature to me when I'm especially stressed.  Movement always helps, and exercise is one of my biggest stress relievers.  Despite my fatigue, I get surges of energy while swimming and find that I'm actually crying through the release.  Similar to a "runner's high", I get in a zone where I'm just flowing through the water and oblivious to everything around.  It's one of my favorite activities, and I always feel better afterwards.  Yoga, too, has  been incredibly cathartic- I hold so much tension in my hips and shoulders, and the deep stretches absolves some of it. 

However, I'll often finish up a great swim or yoga practice only to check my phone and have messages from Hospice or the nursing home, which sends me into panic mode once again.  Whether it's a concern about Dad's Depakote level, an update on the swelling in his arm, scheduling a monthly care plan conference, following up on his latest bill or a question about the new volunteer, there's always something and we are in communication almost on a daily basis.  Now that his condition seems to be rapidly decreasing, there's even more to talk about.  My phone is never off and I'm always on call. 

Understandably, this leads to huge distractions.  My mind is so frazzled and it's hard to focus.  I'll be grading student essays, see the word "Arizona" or "amazing", and read it as "Alzheimer's".  I can't remember people's names or everyday facts and knowledge that used to be second nature to me.  I know Rahm Emanuel was part of Obama's staff, I just can't recall what he did.  Is "Wheel in the Sky" Journey or Foreigner?  I draw a blank (it's Journey,  I just looked it up).  I lose track of chunks of time and read the same thing over four times without comprehending it. 

I can deal with nausea and fatigue; it's the depression and memory loss that scares me the most.  Connecting with my friends almost always helps, when I let myself.  Getting out helps, for sure- seeing people at the gym, working at my computer from a coffee shop instead of from home, even visiting Dad at the nursing home- it's sometimes easier to actually be there than away and worrying about him.  I aim for 2-3 times a week, in hopes that I'm giving him enough attention and myself enough of a break.  I'm glad to be able to vent to Hospice, and know that they truly do understand.  It's always been hard for me to do things for myself, but I know now more than ever it's even more important.  I'm just not exactly sure how to help or what to do.