Care-Giver

I was speaking with a casual acquaintance the other day, and somehow the subject of our parents came up.  Without giving her too many details, I mentioned Mom and Dad's health concerns.  She looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Oh, well my mom has cancer, so I have it much worse."  I was more than slightly taken aback, and didn't know how to respond.  Finally I gave her an encouraging smile said, "I wish your mother the best, and am sorry you have to deal with that, but I really don't think we can pass judgement on other people's situations."  I didn't know what her intentions were with that comment.  Was she looking for sympathy?  Attention?  Pity?  And why did she feel she could compare our experiences with no background whatsoever? 

I was perplexed for a while, but then let it go, presuming that she meant no harm and acknowledging that she was under a great deal of stress.  This afternoon, I overheard her say to someone that she was with her mother for several hours the day before and was happy her brother was filling in today because she couldn't handle it again.  She then rolled her eyes and exclaimed, "It takes so LONG to die!"

This statement both saddened and infuriated me.  On one level, I thought of all the people who lost a loved one instantaneously, and had no chance to say goodbye.  But my first thought was that while her mom will eventually die, right now she is alive and probably in need of her daughter's love and support, and craving positive interactions with her.  Now I'm the first to acknowledge that being a caregiver is hard work- exhausting, stressful, often thankless, and full of unanswered questions.  And there can be stark reminders of the end- every time I sign a DNR statement for Dad or have to do something like pick out his urn, the grief is overwhelming.  But I have to see every moment as another moment that he's alive, I have a father, and I am fortunate to be able to visit and spend this time with him.

Ideally, we won't wait until a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness to spend time with them or tell them we love them.  As hard as it is to stay in the present moment, in this moment there is life and a chance to connect and share.  It's hard for me to remember sometimes when I'm frustrated or tired or angry or sad, but when I do stop to appreciate this moment there is a great sense of peace.  I hope that this woman is able to find some as well.