Here and Now

In the past two weeks, I've had the opportunity to catch up with three friends I have literally known since I was six years old but haven't seen since high school.  Two of them quickly became my best friends when I first moved to Evanston in first grade, and we were inseparable through elementary school.  The other one was a friend of my sister's, but I knew him through the grapevine.  I lost touch with all of them after high school, but thanks to the power of Facebook and mutual friends, I've been able to get to know them again. 

Obviously you're going to relate to somebody differently when you're sharing wine and gelato at 31years old than sharing chocolate milk and grilled cheese at six, but I honestly did feel like something was different and I was picking up on basic connections for the first time.  I noticed I was fully alive and excited in these interactions, and was slightly saddened when I realized what the difference was.  I essentially hated myself growing up and I now see that it masked so many things for me.  I wasn't able to fully give or receive, because I wasn't convinced I deserved the friendships, and was always plagued with doubt.  And so, on some level, I was missing out. 

When we're distracted or preoccupied in any situation, we are not able to be fully present.  It can take any form- we have a preconceived notion or prejudice; we're thinking about something else and not focused; we're worried or caught up in another emotion; or for some reason we're not able to connect.  I think this is a fairly common situation- who hasn't been in a meeting and their mind wanders to weekend plans, that pesky hangnail, or what to make for dinner?  But when we are able to get rid of the distractions and be fully present, it's a very powerful and liberating experience.  For me, I feel fully alive and like I'm really a participant in the world.  It makes me want to share, to give, to appreciate, and to contribute.  And those friends?  I am finally understanding that maybe they didn't come to my sleepovers just because my mom made awesome oatmeal cookies.  And that's a monumental feeling.